Thrilling Fear Replaces Depression

One of the views from my family hay ride this past weekend

In the last several months, I have been plagued with crippling depression as the rejection letters from jobs piled up, and that after the huge rejection of my divorce.  Labeled the gamut from under-qualified to overqualified, it seemed I was no more capable of answering someone’s phones than I was of running someone’s department.  Getting out of bed became extremely difficult, and finding a modicum of positive self-talk to get me through another day of networking and applications was like tracking down Waldo.  Don’t get me wrong: the rejection hasn’t ended yet, and the depression is so close I can taste it.

But for the last several delicious days, the cloud has lifted, and been replaced by what?  Thrilling fear.  The job hunt is going well for the first time in a long time, and it’s all up near the family farm.  I don’t yet know if anything will pan out, but I’m feeling hopeful.  Additionally, there is the slightest possibility that Home Place could become available to rent.  Naturally, my mind has wandered toward all of these possibilities working out, and was then struck with worry.  First, there is the possibility that a job could work out before a living situation does.  That worry isn’t as fun, and could pose a real problem … so we’ll gloss right over that one for now.

The rich and velvety worries that have beaten my depression away are about living at Home Place.  At Home Place, heat is generated from wood stoves, the water runs from a well, and travel could prove precarious during bad weather, particularly snow, and particularly in my dumb low-riding sedan that I can’t trade in for over a year.

My mind naturally worries.  I’ve never been able to do much about that.  The difference between these new worries, and those from a week ago, are adventure.  When I worry about the wood stoves, I worry about getting cold in the middle of the night, needing to bundle up, and then wander out of the house in the pitch black to retrieve wood that I chopped earlier that day, and I better have been smart enough to keep it dry in this snowstorm!


So very scary, but the most delicious worry ever.

I hope it all works out.

Hay bails near Home Place

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